


kill another hour just to be with you

by ddeungwannie (galaxygerbil)



Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: Black Mirror: Be Right Back AU, F/F, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-07
Updated: 2020-02-07
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:01:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22597495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/galaxygerbil/pseuds/ddeungwannie
Summary: Seungwan tries to cope with the sudden passing of her wife by making use of a computer software that allows one to “talk” to the “deceased.”(Black Mirror: Be Right Back AU)
Relationships: Kang Seulgi/Son Seungwan | Wendy
Comments: 18
Kudos: 67
Collections: Sonshine Prose





	kill another hour just to be with you

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ChaseTheSun](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChaseTheSun/gifts).



It probably happened quickly. That's what Seungwan tells herself. 

She remembers, sometimes, how Seulgi used to fret about instances going by so swiftly that they couldn’t be captured. The present for a moment and a memory the next. This was an artist's frustration— dilemma— _dream_. 

Make something last forever.

 _Too fast_ was how Seulgi described her falling for Seungwan, fourteen and still growing. _I wanted to savour it_ , she had murmured, breathless and pouting after their first kiss years later, two college kids with their futures uncertain, only sure of the other’s part in it. 

Seungwan laughed, then, thinking of how many days they were going to spend in love, thinking of how many more kisses they were still going to have. 

They seemed infinite once upon a time, but now...

She wonders if it was painless. Sudden but merciful, like a sunset that faded away in the time it took to blink. She wonders if it was like falling asleep before you knew it. Wonders if it was better than the aftermath. 

She remembers lights reflecting off the living room walls, sneaking through the curtains, red and blue against eggshell white. She remembers resounding footsteps on the porch, remembers three knocks, remembers the look on the officers' faces. 

Anything they said beyond Seulgi's name was a blur. A haze. An inky splotch on her brain, bleeding out at the edges.

**_—4 weeks after._ **

The voice on the other end of the line isn't particularly one that Seungwan had been looking forward to hearing. 

She thought she would have missed the communication after days on end with no actual human contact, but she doesn't quite feel anything at all. There's no sadness, or shock, or anger, just this endless abyss. 

_"It's helped other people come to terms with the passing of their loved ones._ _It might help you too."_

And that's all that's left in life after Seulgi, isn't it? These maybes weaved in between unrest, nothing but uncertainty tainting everything after Seulgi took Seungwan's plans with her in that tiny car that never stood a chance. 

Will she ever be happy again? Possibly. Will she find someone new? Perhaps. Will she learn to let Seulgi go? 

Is there even anything left to hold onto? 

She eyes the rest of the bedroom. Seulgi's cardigan is on the dresser, untouched by everything except dust; her things are in the closet; a sketchbook is on the nightstand; her art studio is untarnished by everything but time. 

_"Seungwan. Think about it. You can't keep this up forever— you know it's unhealthy."_

Seungwan nods mechanically, as if her sister could see her and be disappointed in her state in person. "I know," she eventually answers. "I know it's unhealthy."

_"We'll sign you up and see how it goes. It... might help you get the closure you’re looking for."_

There are a few trees outside the house, older than the estate, older than Seungwan is and older than Seulgi will ever be. She wonders how many lives they've seen come and go; wonders if, since Seulgi was drawn to their magnificence while alive, would she also be pulled forth in death? Would her spirit come back to see them again? Would she return to Seungwan, too? 

Was this how she was going to do it?

"Okay," she replies after some thought. 

She tucks herself in on Seulgi's side of the bed, tired at half past three in the afternoon. 

The days seem both longer and shorter somehow, like all of them stretched and blurred together, countless hours spent missing Seulgi and trying to convince herself that she didn’t. "Let's try it." 

Later, Seungwan wakes up resigned at how fitful nights continue to haunt her. She can’t sleep the same, not since Seulgi left bed one morning only to never come back, with her mug of tea barely touched and the feeling of her lips still lingering on Seungwan's cheek. 

She reaches for her phone and makes sense of two messages, reading the earlier one first. 

**Unnie** : Signed you up. Tell me how it goes, ok? Talk to you again soon. 

Then she spies the latest text, sent an hour after her sister's. Too scared to tap it open, Seungwan stares at the preview like it’s a ghost. In every way, it sort of is. 

**Seulgi:** Hi, Wannie. 

**_4 months before—_ **

Seungwan woke up to Seulgi’s shifting. 

The taller woman paused when she came across sleepy eyes on her. "Hi, Wannie," she whispered. Long fingers made their way through Seungwan's soft strands of starlight, tucking them behind an ear. "Did I wake you?" 

The smaller woman's eyes shifted toward the hologram on the bedside showing the early hour. 

She noticed the tired line of Seulgi’s body, drooping so much she looked ready to collapse. The artist’s dedication to her work usually resulted in endless nights, getting into bed at a time when others usually got out. 

She hummed in response instead of nodding, not wanting to lie to her best friend.

"I'm sorry." 

The way Seulgi said it and the look on her face when she did would always be enough to wash away any frustration on Seungwan's end. How could she hold anything against sincerity like that? It was almost unfair. 

"You know how clients are," Seulgi continued, sadness creeping into her voice. "They don't take time zones into account very much."

"I know, Seulgi-yah." Seungwan moved closer when her lover fully laid down. "We've already talked about it."

The concern only grew on the taller woman's face, but Seungwan moved in to kiss it away. 

"Please just get some rest." 

She stopped short at the way Seulgi was looking at her, soft and gentle like everything about Seulgi was, just a hair’s breadth away.

"And hold me," Seungwan added, pressing her forehead against a cheek. Seulgi only started snoring softly before she could finish tucking herself in. Seungwan did it for her instead. 

**_—6 weeks after._ **

Seulgi's message in her inbox stays unopened and unanswered, to her sister’s disappointment.

"It's just," Seungwan starts to say, feeling her throat close up but pushing past the uneasiness anyway. "It's unfair to Seulgi if I treat this like it's my wife." Because how could she do that to her? Seungwan’s words of longing and wishing and hoping are for her dead lover— not this clunky science experiment. 

_"Seungwan."_

She doesn't know if it would have been better to just lie to her. She considers that it wouldn't be the first one she'd be keeping up; the thinness of her wrist and how her bones are peeking out without anyone's knowledge but her own is testament to that. 

A sigh over the phone again. Nothing new. 

_"It's more unfair to you to have these feelings and nowhere to put them, you know. You’re the only one between the two of you who can move on."_

Seungwan swallows down the lump in her throat. 

It feels too mechanical— like someone is masquerading as her wife while she'd changed their contact name. “It feels so impersonal, unnie.”

“ _There's a new voice call feature coming out. It's a lot more advanced, obviously, but with enough data it will run seamlessly."_

Seungwan doesn't say anything. 

_"I know Seulgi had to communicate via phone calls a lot for work."_

She stares at the drawer where Seulgi's belongings are hidden away _—_ a phone, a tablet, a laptop _._ Thinks of how she’s been yearning to remember and forget Seulgi at the same time. Ponders how maybe this can be a way to do both.

_“Her call log… Maybe the data will be enough, Seungwan-ah. We could try.”_

Seungwan closes her eyes. Maybe. 

When Seungwan reboots Seulgi's tablet after the download, there's a prompt requesting permission for a full scan of the device to be done. She taps _Yes_ and waits. 

_Scanning... Please wait a moment._

The apprehension she feels running through her veins is jarring. Different from the last few weeks of nothing sparking interest. Her sister would think it to be the good kind, but she’d probably take _anything_ over the empty husk that remained of Seungwan when Seulgi was whisked away by the wind.

She bites her lip when the screen changes.

 _Upload complete._

Seungwan holds her breath. A _ding_ , and then—

_New message (1)_

Her hand shakes from both fear and awe, and she wouldn’t have been able to stop her fingers from hovering over the message notification even if she wanted to. Eventually, she taps it open.

 **Seulgi** : Wan-ah? Can I call you? 

She replies with an affirmative. 

The tablet starts ringing. 

**_3 months before—_ **

The door opened to reveal her ringing phone on the bedside table. Seungwan huffed out a breath and made her way towards the vibrating device, shaking her head at how she could have misplaced it here, of all places. It was almost as bad as when Seulgi had forgotten her mobile in the _fridge._

Her wife’s photo took up the screen as the chime continued. It had her in a large grey hoodie with a powder blue cap holding back her hair, the snapshot taken during one of their trips to Toronto. The frigid air made Seulgi’s nose rosy red, but her smile was breathtaking and all for Seungwan.

She ended the call and walked back into the living room, Seulgi’s smug _‘told-ya-so’_ expression plastered on as she waited on the couch. “Look who forgot their phone in the room,” she teased as Seungwan sat beside her with a pout. “What if I wasn’t here and called you because of an emergency?”

Seungwan only poked her side as Seulgi’s arm on the couch flailed upwards. “Simple,” she said, sharing a smirk with her. “Don’t ever leave.”

**_—3 months after._ **

The plate she accidentally drops makes a mess on the kitchen floor. 

“Shit,” she curses, kneeling down to gather up the pieces; some extra sharp edges cut into her fingers, but the pain isn’t unfamiliar.

“ _Wan-ah? What was that?_ ”

That voice isn’t, either.

“ _Are you okay?_ ”

She deposits the ruined plate into the bin and doesn’t bother washing her hands, deciding to wipe them down on her dress instead. “That was nothing, don’t worry,” she finally replies into her earpod, breathless. It isn’t _Seulgi_ on the other line, she knows this, but sometimes…

It must have been a deeply ingrained habit of hers to not make Seulgi worry, alive or not. Real or simulation. 

“I’m fine.” She hopes the shakiness in her voice isn't noticeable. The cuts hurt a little more than what she’s used to.

“ _You don’t sound fine,_ ” the voice replies. “ _I want to make sure you’re alright._ ”

Seungwan lets out a hollow laugh at the response, wishing enough for both of them that Seulgi could swoop in and see what she’s done to herself, but that’s nothing but a fantasy.

“ _I’m going to call your sister and ask her to check on you, okay?_ ”

She goes to sit on the free armchair. The couch is too full of Seulgi’s old belongings scattered about, placed there in order to scent the space enough for Seungwan to pretend that this wasn’t real, that Seulgi was just a phone call away in another city for the time being, simply waiting to be in her arms again.

“ _Seungwan-ah?_ ”

“Yeah,” she eventually replies, watching the blood on the tips of her fingers dry out, slowly but surely. Like the sun setting only to rise again another day, an inevitable movement of time. 

Only forward, never back. 

“Okay, Seulgi-yah.”

**_1 week before—_ **

“Is that me?”

The painting Seulgi was working on showed Seungwan’s half-hidden silhouette on the armchair in their living room, sunlight shining on her smiling face. She was looking up at another figure in the frame, still unfinished, but very obviously her wife.

“Is anyone as beautiful?”

Seungwan rolled her eyes as Seulgi tried to wink at her. “You’re almost as greasy as I am,” she grumbled, moving closer as the curtains by the open window fluttered in the wind.

“It’s not bad. I love that about you.” Seulgi’s hand floated lightly over the canvas, her movements steady and sure, like a flowing river. 

Seungwan could squint and see light pencil marks here and there on the large surface, indicating the thought that Seulgi put into this piece. “You’ve spent a lot of time on this.”

Her wife eyed her from her seat. “I always do. Every stroke has to be done carefully.”

“ _Patience and perseverance_ , right?”

Seulgi hummed and then turned to face her fully. “Except when I’m drawing you.” The look on her face was serene despite the weight of her telling Seungwan how much the smaller woman meant to her. “When I’m drawing you, it feels… liberating. Like you’re right there to catch me.”

The heat of a blush reached until even the tips of Seungwan’s ears, and her lips curled into the smile that only Seulgi could bring out.

“I’ll finish this next time,” the artist declared, setting her materials aside. 

Seungwan hugged her from behind, her smaller hands wrapping around Seulgi’s and caressing her wife’s growing belly.

**_—11 months after._ **

_In the flesh_ , the company ad had said. _The culmination of all our research. It will be as if they’d never left._

The package had come quickly and without a fuss, and now—

Three knocks rap against the door Seungwan is leaning against. She gets up from the floor and opens it to find a figure who looks exactly like her dead wife standing in the middle of the bathroom, shivering, but with an all-too-familiar smile shaping thin lips. “Wan-ah, can I get dressed now?”

Seulgi's old sleepwear fits it perfectly. Of course. 

Even the way the shirt falls around its shoulders and pools around its waist is the exact same, as if this too could be preserved— the empty void that Seulgi unknowingly carved out when she left. 

She watches it walk through the hall, a little confused, like when Seulgi was when they’d first moved in. Its lips are soft and its voice rings against the bedroom corners, humming Seungwan’s name with the same pitch and cadence as her Seulgi once did.

Seungwan raises a hand and caresses the side of its face from her place on the bed, fruitlessly searching for an intimacy in the space between them that she knows she won't find— because she’d already tried.

“Will you do something for me?” 

She stands without waiting for an answer, walking towards the studio with it dutifully following, steps as silent as the night that covers them.

It sits down carefully on the stool Seungwan pointed out, and she requests something she’s never had to. 

Its drawing comes out technically beautiful and perfectly technical. All the lines and shapes are calculated, mechanical, and faultless, as if it was a recorded scene not going even an inch outside the frame.

Then it stops at the same point Seulgi did, when she stepped away from the canvas and never returned. The clone turns to look at her, eyes soft and understanding, and Seungwan feels cold relief flood through her veins.

Something in Seungwan’s chest flutters away. It feels like freedom.

**_2 days before—_ **

“Happy birthday!”

Seungwan paused at the doorway, one hand on the doorknob and another on the light switch. In front of her was the blushing face of her wife with some flour on her chin and a party hat on her head.

“What…” she tried to ask as Seulgi made her way towards her, grinning face setting her at ease immediately.

“Come here, Wan-ah,” she beckoned, pulling her along towards the dining table. In the middle sat an almost sad, lopsided birthday cake with a layer of frosting that was a little too thick.

The handwriting on the cake looked shaky, especially for an artist’s hand, but it was definitely Seulgi’s hard work and for Seungwan that was enough. Seulgi would always be perfect. 

She blew the candles that set Seulgi’s excited face aglow, finding that her lover’s smile was probably the warmest thing in the universe.

“I love you,” Seungwan said after they’d cleaned up, slowly caressing Seulgi’s face with the back of her hand, the last of the frosting on her lips kissed away. “You know that?”

With a cheeky grin, Seulgi kissed Seungwan’s hand and pulled her closer— close enough that the younger had to lean her head upon Seulgi’s shoulder, fitting perfectly, swaying together with no music to interrupt them.

“I know,” Seulgi replied, Seungwan’s arms wrapping around her delicately. Her lips found purchase on the smaller woman’s forehead as she laid a warm hand on her navel. “We love you more.”

**_—12 months after._ **

“Let’s go,” she whispers quietly, and it follows— opens the car door and steps out into the freezing cold. 

Seungwan eventually does the same after a few breaths and makes her way around the jeep, pulling it away from the roadside and further up the rocky, snow-peppered hill that led to a cliff. The clothes on its back are what Seungwan had on when Seulgi left; the ends of her pants fall just short of covering pale ankles and her sleeves don't make it very far past thin wrists.

“Wan-ah?” it mumbles, confused, and Seungwan can almost recall that tone of voice with picture-perfect clarity. It was the tone Seulgi used when she couldn’t understand what Seungwan was saying over the phone line, their communication disturbed by crackles of static— _Wan-ah? Are you there?_

She leads the two of them to the end.

“Did we come here for the view?”

Seungwan looks out at the oceanside below, the sea roaring with life despite the frigid temperatures. It was a force of nature on its own, refusing to succumb to the temptation of freezing, cresting and breaking every time it met the shore.

Her companion looks out, too, though whatever it thinks of the sight, Seungwan can’t tell. Its expression remains serene. “Did you want me to paint this?”

“No.”

They continue to stand near the precipice, Seungwan thinking while her companion waits.

“Seulgi.”

It turns to her, expectant. It had the _same look_ , with the same monolid eyes and the same nose and the same goddamn _lips_ — but it wasn’t Seulgi. Whatever this is can’t capture the brilliance that was Seulgi when she was alive and hers. This was a measly imitation of the original, copied and redone and mimicked but ultimately not real. Not even close.

"I love you, you know that?"

The smile that illuminates its face makes it seem both more and less human simultaneously, like a star too close that chose to shine right at Seungwan. “I know, and I love you too.”

Seungwan feels guilt coldly crawl its way around her chest; she kicks a rock and watches it tumble forward past the edge, meeting the ground almost fifty meters down. 

She looks at her companion and wonders if this is how she should let Seulgi go.

“Will you do something for me?” she asks, throat suddenly dry.

“Of course.”

It moves closer when it sees that Seungwan is starting to shiver, and the latter doesn’t resist. It’s what Seulgi would have done, too, and Seungwan is too sentimental. Having this here with her is proof of that.

She looks up into kind, almond-shaped eyes. That warm smile is still in place, and Seungwan’s heart aches for someone who isn’t around to feel it.

Was it not enough that Seulgi was dead? 

Did Seungwan have to kill her too?

“Jump,” Seungwan mutters, staring at the sea because Seulgi isn’t here anymore. Seulgi isn’t here to love her, or surprise her, or paint her. Her wife is just a memory now, to be immortalized in her heart and nowhere else.

“Of course, Seungwan-ah.” It nods. It takes a step backwards, squeezes her hand one last time, and falls past the edge without even flinching. 

Seungwan watches Seulgi disappear from her sight, ready to let her go this time.

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Wenseul month!
> 
> #ChasetheGalaxy fic trade with ChaseTheSun. Prompter provides the lyric title and the author can do whatever they want with it in 3,333 words
> 
>  **Sonshine Prose Project**  
> [ChaseTheSun's fic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22597858)  
> [8moon2stars's fic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22559776)  
> [irwens' fic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23883322)  
> birdmint's fic (coming soon)
> 
> -Thank you **j.** for beta reading


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